Hi Reddit, I'm your on and off again quitter and I just want to type out what's on my mind. Quitting games have gave me too much free time, so I'm killing some here.
I realize that I relapse when I get sad about my life. I noticed it before, but that reddit post about gaming to escape our sad lives put it on my mind again. I had, yes had, depression before. My college years were the loneliness years of my life. At first, I tried to join clubs and even a fraternity. Sadly, I didn't commit to any clubs and only attempted one fraternity that rejected me. I felt like a was good enough, a loser, for being rejected from the cool people fraternity. I even tried out for an a Capella group. I was bound to get rejected, because I don't even singing beside in the shower. However, in that moment I felt like those hard heads in American Idol that thought they could sing. After being rejected by the singing group, I remember having this awkward eye contact dodging contest with one of the members a few days later. This just further proves to myself that I'm worthless. With those two back-to-back rejections, I spent the rest of the years in a cocoon playing games. I somehow graduated college only going to class for tests and group projects. I ended in my parent's house for another year and my sister got me a job as a cashier because she cared for me. Cashier position didn't change anything, but got me money to spent on more games. I fallen into depression. Depression for me is darkness. You just aimlessly wonder life with a blindfold and the only light you see is the lighthouse you call you room, with the computer screen as the light source. Even I game, depression went away so I continued to game my worries and sadness away. But depression was just tucked in the corner waiting for me to stop gaming and hits me harder with each repetition. I ended up taking anti-depressants and went to therapy. I even tried Scientology, haha oh man that was a weird experience. Nothing worked for me, expect accepting a sales job that forced me (b/c commission) to better myself. I was shy as hell before (still am, but not nearly as bad). I would constantly, in the back of my head, criticize myself for my chubbiness (on and off again too), ance scars, confidence, social life, and well... being a loser. My sales job forced me to build confidence and constantly break my shyness around people. I decided to quit gaming to achieved that. I got fit, improved my social skills, and even built the confidence of a depressed rejected man. Honestly, it's the best job I ever had. I even had dreams of opening up my own branch in another city. "Had" because I was fired or actually banned from selling Spectrum again. I fucked up a customer's initial pricing for cable services and they threaten a lawsuit. Firing was one of the customer's conditions. Within a day, I felt like I was teared away from my Spectrum team and was branded as one of those shady salesmen. The doubts gnawing in the back of my head came back and mashed my self-confidence to the ground. "I am a liar and cheat" it said. They might as well fire me, because I was a emotional shit pile. I didn't show it, because I don't like talking or showing my emotions in front of people, but I balled my eyes off for three days. I was put on leave until they sort it out but I lost my work friends, my team, and my dream; my god damn dream. Imagine losing your dream, because I fell hopeless. I wanted to escape. I wanted to run. I needed to run. So I ran. I went to Gamestop and bought myself a 3DS. I was hooked. For an entire week, I jammed the laundry basket and crawled for fast food 24/7. After blacking out gaming for a week, the sales company, that sold multiple products beside Spectrum, decided to transfer me to DirecTV. Needless to say it didn't work out, as I already felt fat and couldn't find the confidence to sell with the grelim in the back of my head branding me as fishy. I imagined that my co-workers are doubting my sales abilities and my integrity. So I would have days when I could make sales, but the devil always came back branding me "a liar". Till this day, when ever I think about cheating or ignoring the rules I would confront it with honesty. For some reason that saying "something always happens for a reason" resonates with me. If that's true, than I want to believe this incident has prevent me from going to jail in the future and even redirect me to a different path in life. I don't know what path, but I do know one thing; I am a better man today than my sales years and definitely my cocooned college years. I don't have depression anymore. This incident, 2 months ago, did throw my back in depression, but its more of a phase than it's former permanent self. I have quit gaming again. I've personally seen what quitting gaming can do for a person. Hell, it cured my depression. I am now a 25 year old male and currently not happy with my life. I believe not being happy with one's life leads us to escape to multiple fantasies in the virtual world. I need to improve my life and better myself again, as I did with my sales job. I no longer work in sales and don't decide to go back anytime soon, as I don't want to feel pressured into hitting sales quotas anymore. My past sales co-worker even offered me to be his right hand at his newly open branch, but I'm going to decline that. I just really needed to type or think out my thoughts, thus this story, because I can't think of a new dream to aim for. I am still drawing blanks. For now, I at least I know that I want to better myself until I die, as that lead to the moments of happiness. I hope my story, if someone would even read the entire thing lol, as at least take something away from it. Your choice on what it is. Thank you for reading.
TD;DR - I was bored and typed stuff.
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